Releasing The past
How would your life change if you could release the past?
Paul Chubbuck, M.S., S.E.P.
Ask the Experts
Previously published in the December, 2006 Health Central News
by Paul Chubbuck, M.S., Somatic Experiencing Practitioner
Question:
My 15-year old daughter is being asked out by boys she's not interested in dating. She doesn't want to hurt their feelings and doesn't know what to do. At 48, I'm not much better at handling these situations so I don't know how to help her.
Answer:
You can never truly say yes to someone until you know you can say no. As women in this culture, you're heavily programmed to please others, especially boys and men, at the expense of your own needs and desires. But the truth is, you're only responsible for your feelings, for being true to yourself. If you please him by saying yes to his invitations when you really mean no, aren't you setting yourself up for a more awkward time later? And dishonesty never does him a favor. When a man gets "yes's" from a woman, but finds out later that she wasn't being true to herself, it's bewildering and hurtful.
As a man, I'd much prefer the women I'm interested in tell me no when feels disinclined to my invitation. Otherwise, I'll feel her resentment later on and that's no fun! If she's true to herself when she says no, then if she ever says yes to me, she means that too, and that's exciting! Some men might like you to override your needs to meet theirs, but are those the ones you want to date?
It is possible for a woman to say no to a man in a way that respects the risk he took to show her his interest. "Thanks very much. I'm going to say no, but I really appreciate the invitation," said with a warm smile leaves no doubt to the "no" and no room for argument, while still being kind. You can practice getting comfortable with the "no's". Be knd and diplomatic if possible, but first and foremost, be true to yourself. Then, one day, some guy will come along to whom you want to say yes, and you'll both know that yes really means something.
Paul Chubbuck is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner in Fort Collins, CO, helping people release unresolved trauma. He may be reached at 970-493-2958.
"Before I came to Paul for therapy, my life seemed to be controlled by my emotional reaction to every situation that triggered uncomfortable past memories. Now when a situation brings that emotion to the forefront, I am able to feel it and quickly dismiss it."
